ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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