everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I think I just sharted jello shots
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
