I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
