I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
