I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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