I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
