You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
