totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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