Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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