new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
