i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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