omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
