I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
