8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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