i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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