I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
