Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
