Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
