I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
