dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
