alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
