god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
