Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
