So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
