I just threw up on my dentist
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
