dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
