You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Why is your signature on my underwear?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
