I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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