take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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