I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
