Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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