Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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