i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
