Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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