we have pet lesbian snakes
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You made out with two different species that night
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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