Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
