she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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