Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
