i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
