alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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