Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
