Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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