need another drink. this is the easiest way
Soap is not a condiment
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
