The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
