A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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