OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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