Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
