i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
