I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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