and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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